I could see my manager struggling to find her words. It was something unusual for this to happen. And then I looked closer to her face. I saw those beautiful blue eyes fighting with tears and I knew what she was struggling to say.
– I’m afraid I have some bad news. Ma Petite Cherie is no longer with us, my manager said, bursting into tears.
She, a strong successful woman, was crying uncontrollably and I was speechless. I had no idea what to say or what to do. I just stood there on my chair, watching her, trying to be strong. In the end, I went to my manager and gave her a big hug.
– She died this morning at 4 o’clock. I’m sorry! I’m really sorry! she added in tears.
It was a sad ending, even though I had high hopes that it will not end up like this. Ma Petite Cherie passed away on a hospital bed surrounded by family. She was not meant to live and we were not meant to be together. I was to be alone and live with another scarce on my soul.
– We will have a short meeting where I will inform everyone about this tragedy. After that, all of you are free to go home, my manager said.
The meeting was something extremely sad and looked a lot like a funeral. Everyone seemed touched about what happened.
After the meeting I felt all alone. I needed to talk to someone… anyone. In the end I decided to call my mother and confess everything that happened in my life recently, all about Ma Petite Cherie, my crush for her and her tragic death. It felt really good having this conversation.
I wondered around a bit before I went home. It just seemed the best thing to do at that moment. Once home, I had no idea what to do. I know I could have done a lot of things that day, but instead I did nothing. I just stood in my room, starring at the walls and trying not to cry. I was scared I’m gonna collapse if I start crying. I was emotionally a wreck.
The only thing that seemed to comfort me was music. It didn’t ease my pain, but it gave me a certain feeling of tranquility. It kept my emotions on a constant level. I was trying to empty my mind, clear all my thoughts and replace them with the harmony of music.
Unfortunately, this was far from easy. I strove to control my emotions, I struggled to imprison them and let them die on the bottom of my soul. I just wanted to crush them like a bug. Oh, how much I failed!
What exactly do you do when you lose someone you love? Do you break glasses, throw lamps, destroy your desk, drink spirits from the bottle? And when you consume your rage, do you stop and burst into tears?

What exactly do you do to overcome such tragedy? Do you continue to drink until you numb the pain? Do you continue to cry until you dry your tears? And when you stop the tears, do you stop the pain?
It’s not an exact science and will never be. No matter what you do the pain and sadness is still there and it will take some time before it fades away. We never know how much time.
Time is there, it runs fast, but is not there for you. Time doesn’t care about your problems, your pain, your life. It’s just something that passes along while you’re trying to heal.
So, listening to music was all I did. Song after song, lyrics after lyrics, tune after tune. I left myself carried away by melancholy. I was sad and alone. Nothing could’ve help me.
One song seemed to reach the darkest corners of my soul. I was listening to that song over and over again. It kept me in a sort of psychedelic state of mind, ravishing my emotions, swirling them in the air and crushing them on the ground. It did all this until it reached the state of total numbness. Only at that point I managed to fell asleep, warmly whispering in my head: „May everyone live, may everyone die. Hello my love… and my love goodbye.”

 (THE END)

Anunțuri

Apparently there was a terrorist attack in Paris. Three men were arrested and two were shot dead for planning and committing the attack. Another one died carrying a suicidal bomb. After the explosion, the rest of the men continued the massacre stabbing all the people they could get there hands on. They killed more than 14 people and injured many others. One of the victims was Ma Petite Cherie. She witnessed the explosion and she tried to run for her life when one of the men grabbed her from behind and stabbed her four times before going to the next victim. She was left there to die, being run over by scared people who were trying to escape. It was a total blood bath, with people being butchered and human parts scattered all over the place.
She was than transported alongside others to the nearest hospital where she was fighting for her life for the last two days. It was unbelievable. The whole scene looked apocalyptic. Witnesses were terrified, having a real trouble describing what happened. Many other victims were fighting for their lives. The whole country was mourning. The whole world was in shock.
I couldn’t believe I had no idea that this happened. I was so concerned with my life, that I kind of isolated myself from the world. I was living in a bubble, waiting for Ma Petite Cherie to join me soon. Oh, I was such a fool! A fool madly in love with what he believed to be the girl of his dreams. And now that girl was dying, and I was dying inside me for her. Everything seemed so unreal. Life was giving me a huge blow just after she presented me with the opportunity for happiness. How cruelly ironic is that?
– I think you should take the rest of the day off, my manager said while I was still contemplating the whole scene.
– No, I’m fine… Don’t worry! I replied without realizing this might not be true.
– I really think you should go home now, she insisted, looking at me and assessing the situation.
Therefore, I went home, on a week day, at lunchtime. I didn’t had any lunch, because I couldn’t eat anything. I was still extremely shocked, hurt and full of disgust. Try to envision what kind of day I had. I think you got the picture.
I felt powerless. I wanted to be able to do something for her, but I couldn’t. She was dying on a hospital bed and there was nothing I can do to help her. She was too far away. That feeling of powerlessness was driving me crazy. I tried to pray for her, but I didn’t know how. I have never prayed in my life, so why would God listen to me?
I had a couple of glasses of whiskey, thinking about life and how it can end all of a sudden. It felt so terrible that life can end like this. What kind of a sick end is this? I guess, after all, an end is just an end. It doesn’t really matter how it is. It’s just something that puts a stop to our life. Who knows, maybe actually this is the beginning of a greater thing.
I fell asleep with the hope that she’s going to be alright and I’m going to be there to help her recover.
The next morning I went straight to my manager’s office. She was busy talking on the phone, but she told me to have a seat and wait.
– Do you have any news about her? How is she? I asked, as soon as she finished her conversation on the phone.
– I do, she said. I do…
The words came slowly out of her mouth.
– And? How is she? I insisted.
– She…

(TO BE CONTINUED…)

She was a tall quiet woman with long curly hair. She had amazing blue eyes sparkling like the great Logan sapphire, giving her a brightly look. Too bad she had to hide them behind big frames glasses. Most of the time she was quiet, walking around from time to time, observing, making sure everything is in order. She wasn’t very close with anyone, preferring to be extremely private about her personal life. I liked her, but I always had the feeling that she doesn’t really like me or trust me. Maybe because I loved to tease her a lot. She was a big fan of tattoos. I saw a few nice tattoos on her skin which I think they complemented her personality. I couldn’t fully discover her real personality, because she wasn’t showing it at work.
– I kind of do, I said. Actually, I wanted to speak with you as well.
– Is it about Ma Petite Cherie?
– It is indeed, I replied.
– Well, this is the reason why I called you, she said and her face turned extremely serious.
I had a bad feeling, but I tried to cast out from my mind all the negative thoughts.
– Did she resign? I asked, dying to know what happened.
– No, she did not.
I looked at the expression of her face and there were no good signs. When she was anxious or bored she was playing with the pen clicking continuously the button. But when she was angry or upset her mouth closed like a heavy iron door with her lips shivering abundantly. Now was one of those moments.
– I know how much you like her, that’s why I decided you should be the first to know.
– To know what? I asked quickly.
– I am extremely sad to let you know that she is in the hospital.
– Is she okay? What happened?
– Unfortunately, she’s not okay. She is fighting for her life.
– What? This can’t be true!
– I’m terribly sorry.
– No, this can’t be true!
At this point I started to panic. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It made no sense to me. How can this be possible?
– I’m sorry, she said again. We are all extremely sorry.
– But what happened? Please tell me what happened!
She took a brief moment trying to choose the right words. Her blue eyes seemed to shrink little by little. I was already freaking out. Her calm words were penetrating my mind in a way that I couldn’t cope with. They were hitting my brain in a high speed, banging on the walls, unleashing themselves like a hurricane.
Even though she was speaking loud and clear, I was having problems following her. My mind was fading in and out, so I could only hear fractures, pieces of fragments, key words like „terrorist attack „, „chaos”, „explosion”, „stabbing”. All this time I remained silent. My questions inside me were becoming answers. My words were trapped inside my mouth, dying, drowning in spit and sorrow, in hate and disbelief for the human race. My soul was taking a huge punch in the stomach.

(TO BE CONTINUED…)

 

 

Now was time to see her again. I woke up very fresh and I went to the office acting nonchalant about the whole thing. I had my coffee and I smoked a cigarette before starting my work. Now that she was back I was confident I have less work to do. This way I planed to relax, enjoy the morning and go to see her at lunchtime. I was pretty sure she’s not gonna drop by to say hello and since I planed to stay in my office, there was no chance we can meet on the hallway.
Surprisingly, I wasn’t nervous at all about seeing her. I did some work and then some more work and it seemed that I’m doing a lot more work than I expected. This kept me extremely busy until lunch.
I waited for her in the cafeteria for five minutes, but she didn’t came so I decided to go to her office. She was not there and she wasn’t anywhere to find. I asked one of my colleagues if he saw Ma Petite Cherie.
– She didn’t came to work, he said.
– But she was supposed to come today, right?
– Yes, but she didn’t came.
– Do you know by any chance why?
– No, I’m sorry. I have no idea. You should ask the manager, he said and left.
I wanted to ask my manager, but she was out having lunch with some clients. It seemed strange that Ma Petite Cherie didn’t show up at work, however I was sure she had a very good reason. After a quick lunch, I carried on with my work. Soon I forgot all about her missing.
I haven’t finished all my work, still I decided to go home and not do any extra hours. My manager was still busy, so I just left.
I don’t know why, I started to cook a quite complex dish called Beef Bourguinon. I wasn’t very hungry, but I always wanted to try to cook this dish. I guess this was the time.
I chopped a chunk of beef in small pieces and cooked it in a large frying pan, transferring to a plate once browned. I fried carrots and chopped onions until they started to colour. Then some bacon lardons and some mushrooms. Added some bay leaves and other condiments and placed all this in the oven to be slow-cooked while I prepared a nice potato puree. It took me like three hours to finish, time in which I invited a few friends over. However, the result was amazing. My friends said I did a cracking job. We bought a bottle of Cotes du Rhone and enjoyed a lovely dinner.
Only when I got into my bed, I started to think about the reasons why she didn’t make it to work. Even though I did a serious brainstorming, I couldn’t find any good reasons. I wondered if she called to inform my manager. Probably she did, I was thinking. Soon I fell asleep like a baby.
The next morning I passed right by her office. After a short hesitation, I went to check on her. She was not there. I knew I have quite a lot of work to do, therefore I took the decision to wait again until lunchtime to get some answers. This time it wasn’t that easy. I had great problems concentrating. I just couldn’t really understand why she was not back to work. It was eating me inside like a venom.
Before twelve o’clock, the same colleague came to me and informed me that the manager wants to see me. I quickly finished what I was working at and went to my manager’s office.
– You probably wonder why I called you, my manager said.

(TO BE CONTINUED…)

 

Now was time to wait for her to come back. So, I waited… and waited… and waited some more. I was never good at waiting. It’s not that I don’t have the patience, it’s just that I can’t manage to think of something else apart from that. Unwilling, I think only about the waiting. This time was no exception.
All I could think of in these ten days was Ma Petite Cherie, her return and our date. My friends asked me to go out with them, but I felt too lazy to leave my room. I tried to read a book, but I couldn’t concentrate. I wanted to see a movie, but all of them looked boring. So I wasn’t left with many activities. To think of her and listen to music was all I could do. At one point it was just unbearable. So I started a serious deep cleaning of the house. I remember I had read somewhere that cleaning can help you take your mind off certain things. It actually helped me. I can’t say I forgot all about her, but at least I wasn’t thinking that much. It kept me busy and this is all I wanted.
At work was quite busy. A few times I stayed longer at the office because of her. With Ma Petite Cherie on holiday, I had to do a part of her work. That didn’t bother me too much. It actually gave me a nice feeling of altruism.
My problem used to begin when I was getting home. My mind couldn’t cope with the idea that it can think of so many other things besides Ma Petite Cherie. It was stuck in one place and seemed to refuse to move along. Or maybe it was my job to convince it to make this step. Anyway, it was obvious that I had no power over it.
A huge amount of frustration was building inside me. And the reason for that was me and only me. I couldn’t understand how can I be so weak. Why was she so important for me? Why can’t I manage to stop thinking of her? The first five days were terrible. I felt like a zombie who acts only in a certain way and feels he has to do only one thing.
Soon I decided I really have to change something about the way I feel. I used all my inner strength to stop acting like a zombie or better say like a psychopath because only a psychopath can be stuck in his head with only one thought. And like any psychopath I used to change my mood extremely quickly. I was happy and after five minutes sad, nervous and calm, content and depressed, active and lazy, sociable and misanthrope.
In that moment I realized I had bigger problems. I was emotionally a wreck. I think I had a panic attack when I got to this conclusion. To relax I started to smoke a lot of weed. I even went to a prostitute and released all my frustration on her. I paid her a huge amount of money and did with her some unimaginable things. After that, I left her room full of disgust, wanting to throw up. A breeze of cold air made me so much good. I smoked a cigarette trying to forget what just happened.
I wondered the streets for a while to clear my head. When I got home I immediately collapsed in my bed looking at the ceiling. I was starring at the light bulb for quite a long time before admitting to myself that I have an obsession for Ma Petite Cherie.
I couldn’t understand why and how I got into this situation, but I know it was extremely frightening. The next day I acted like nothing happened. I didn’t think of her, I only thought of me. It was the last day before her return and I felt very calm with all my emotions under control. The emotional storm was over. It was scary and it made some damage to my soul, but I preferred not to think of it. At least not in that moment.

(TO BE CONTINUED…)

I went to her office when she was preparing to leave. She didn’t look too surprised to see me. I engaged in a small talk trying to lay the groundwork for my proposal. I remember my palms were sweating a lot. Back then I didn’t notice that much. Now I remember perfectly.
We started talking about work. She felt quite tired and wanted to go on holiday. I was just fresh from my holiday. She told me that she’s anxious to go to her hometown to see her family. I was just fresh from doing that.
Like most of the conversations, ours led to the most common topic – the weather. Same as me and many others, she was sick of this weather. She desperately wanted to catch some hot sun. I understood her perfectly. There’s nothing worse than English summers. You won’t believe me until you come to live here.
After we’ve exhausted this topic, I started talking gibberish just for the sake of not having that awkward silence between us. I couldn’t go on like this forever. I was stalling time and that was becoming obvious. So, I went for it. I waited for what seemed to be the perfect moment and when it came I asked her out. I think she anticipated my move because slowly our conversation was heading that way.
Straight away she smiled and at the same time she blushed like a little school girl.  There’s something special about french girls when they blush. They seem so innocent, delicate and sweet while giving you a naughty smile. The whole scene was actually quite funny. And I couldn’t help myself smiling. Now, with all the pressure off my chest, I had nothing to do but to smile and go with the flow.
The answer came quickly and it left me speechless for a moment.
– I would love to, she said. I’m glad that you finally decided to ask me out.
In that moment, I had no idea what to say. I was really happy because she said yes, but on the other hand, I felt so embarrassed and a bit stupid. Apparently she knew that I like her and she was waiting for me to make a move. Oh, the embarrassment!
I didn’t comment on that in any way, even though I think I should have said something. She noticed my hesitation and, since I was unable to open my mouth, she started to talk for both of us. She told me that recently we became quite close and that she enjoys spending time talking to me.
That just made my heart melt for a second. Quickly I manned up and tried to set up the details for our date. With the weekend at our door, I suggested we should meet the next day.
– I’m sorry, she said. I’ve already made plans for this weekend.
– That’s alright, I said. So when is the most convenient for you?
– Well… the thing is… Monday I’m going on holiday, so… the best moment will be on my return.
She took her time saying this and it looked like she was choosing her words carefully. It scared me for a second.
– How long are you going to be on holiday? I asked.
– Not too long. For only ten days, she said.
We decided we’re gonna go out on the first Saturday after she returns.
On my way home I’ve put a lot of thought on what I said and what I should or shouldn’t have said. It seemed that I could’ve done better. I practically never manage to say all the right things at the right moment. There are always some extraordinary things that come to my mind a bit too late. And that can really piss me off sometimes. It happened this time again. That awkward moment when the cat ate my thong was haunting me badly. But let’s not talk about that.

(TO BE CONTINUED…)

O melodie din popor, plina de nostalgie. Imi place, deci recomand!

Lyrics Bonus:

Şi când se lasă seara peste cartier 
Vine dimineaţa şi totu-i la fel 
Şi când se lasă seara peste cartier 
Mă gândesc la mâine vreau să uit de ieri 

Of lume, of lume, of lume 
Când pe vale când pe culme 
Of lume, of lume, of lume 
Când pe vale când pe culme 

Şi când se lasă seara peste cartier 
Vine dimineaţa şi totu-i la fel 
Şi când se lasă seara peste cartier 
Mă gândesc la mâine vreau să uit de ieri 

Mi-e dor, mi-e dor, mi-e dor, mi-e dor, dor de dor 
Mi-e dor, mi-e dor, mi-e dor, mi-e dor, dor de dor 
Mi-e dor, mi-e dor, mi-e dor, mi-e dor, dor de dor 
Mi-e dor, mi-e dor, mi-e dor, mi-e dor 

Of lume, of lume, of lume 
Când pe vale când pe culme 
Of lume, of lume, of lume 
Când pe vale când pe culme 

Mi-e dor, mi-e dor, mi-e dor, mi-e dor